The Biblical Man
Sexuality, the big issue for many men. What will you have experimented with? How often are you intimate? What things are different? How have you changed physically, sexually, you know? Losing weight. You want her to grow her hair out. She wants you to cut off that ridiculous ZZ Top beard. Whatever it is. What's different about your bedroom? Did you go get good bedroom furniture? Is your bedroom a nice place or is it a place with a treadmill and a computer and an office and files, there's nothing sexual about that. In what way is your bedroom become sort of a sanctuary for you and your wife to be together?
And most guys are just simply frustrated, that I have talked to, because they're not getting enough sex. I'll give you one story. Won't name his name, but I remember meeting with a--this is a lot of my marriage counseling. I don't think I'm a great marriage counselor but I do think I have one key insight that I'll share with you. Oftentimes I meet with couples and here's what I hear--the wife says, "I don't feel like we're connected. I don't feel like we're close. I feel like he's a little irritable." And then I ask, "How often are you having sex?" And she's, "What does that have to do with anything?" [slight chuckle] That effects everything. You know. Frequency is important.
She says, "Well, I don't understand." You don't have to understand. You have to accept it. [audience laughter] And so, oftentimes, she'll want to talk about communication and I don't feel like he's very happy and du-du-du-du-du-du-du-duh. And then I'll ask him, "How often would you like to be having sex?" And usually it's twice as much as they are. And so then I give them an assignment. I'll tell her, "Do you love your husband?"
"Does he love you?"
"You guys have sex every day and then come see me again in a month and if there's still communication problems, he seems depressed, he's lethargic, THEN we'll talk because there's OBVIOUSLY a problem. But we're gonna start with what SEEMS to be the most obvious solution."
I'm telling ya, ninety-nine percent of the time they come back a month later she's like, "He's just totally a different guy. [audience laughter, Driscoll says "yeah"] He cuts the grass. He's singing, he's singing and skipping through the house. [audience continues to laugh] He's a totally different guy." Yes, he is. Yes, he is. ... Now you can't just go home and say "Mark said we need to have sex every day" unless, of course, it works then DO THAT but it may not work. Now sometimes it may be that you're not a loving husband, an attentive husband; you know your wife was abused, you gotta work through past issues, I understand, but you at least need to be honest, right? So many guys are in marriage and they feel like their wife is playing defense and they're always playing offense and, occasionally, they get to be with her. It can't be that way. It can't be that way.
Peter O'Toole's Lawrence once asked, "Are you speaking from experience?"
Anyway, for those interested in reading how, just possibly, Driscoll wasn't just drawing on the experiences of other guys but had some of his own experience to draw upon, peruse this post from the past.
But in 2007 Driscoll was willing to say to a bunch of guys at a men's retreat that ninety-nine percent of the time in marriage counseling when he went with the simplest, obvious solution of suggesting sex every day for a month that tended to fix things. After all, more frequent sex was what had apparently cured Mark Driscoll's own mood swings and depression, right?
Since Wendy Alsup has discussed Driscoll's teachings and ideals on sexuality within marriage it seems appropriate to note that. The wife as personal porn star motif is no doubt going to get some further discussion but since Wenatchee The Hatchet was told by a married guy in the last month that "The Biblical Man" was one of the more remarkable examples of how Mark Driscoll talked about sex in marriage and in the context of marital counseling it seemed pertinent to present some of that material for consideration.
Wenatchee The Hatchet wasn't at the men's retreat where all this content was presented, largely because Wenatchee The Hatchet has a couple of hang-ups about men's retreats in general. It doesn't sound like it was the kind of session that would have been all that interesting. As a friend put it, the whole thing was basically a sweeping example of Law in which Driscoll tacitly seemed to present himself as the Law of manhood. Anyway ... so it goes.