Real Marriage, the book by Mark and Grace Driscoll, has been a topic for blogging before here at Wenatchee The Hatchet, here, specifically. In the interest of promoting education and discussion of the two books mentioned in the earlier post here are back to back comparisons of short excerpts from Dan Allender's book and Mark and Grace Driscoll's book. It is worth repeating that at no point in Grace Driscoll's chapter "Grace and Disgrace" is Allender's name mentioned, nor is his work mentioned in any endnotes, footnotes, or bibliography.
That Grace Driscoll publicly listed Dan Allender as one of her favorite authors in her deacon profile in the earlier days of Mars Hill is easily documented.
Chapter 9, "Style of Relating"
THE WOUNDED HEART: HOPE FOR ADULT VICTIMS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSED
Dan Allender, original copyright 1990 by NAVPRESS
Chapter 7, "Grace and Disgrace"
Real Marriage: the truth about sex, friendship and life together
Mark and Grace Driscoll
copyright 2012 by On Mission, LLC
The following excerpts are presented for the sake of education and encouraging public discussion about the two books.
A relational style is the "typical" way of protecting oneself in contact with other people. Self-protection is, in essence, the commitment to never be hurt again, to never be powerless, betrayed or ambivalent in the way we once were.
page 171 of Allender
There are as many styles of relating as there are people. Nevertheless, there are some general patterns that can become common styles of relating for those who have been sexually abused: The Good Girl, the Tough Girl, and the Party Girl.
A person who has been abused can become adept at hiding the pain behind a mask. It helps us cope with others and makes us feel safe, but in truth it's really just something that prevents us from actually dealing with the abuse. ... Do you act out a role or hide behind a mask? ...
page 129 of Driscolls
The Good Girl is pleasant, but rarely alive. The woman who described herself as a "house with the lights on, but never at home" was a Good Girl. She responded with pleasant warmth and social ease, but she never viewed herself as alive within herself.
... The Good Girl would rather allow her health to deteriorate than ask for help.
... The person involved with a Good Girl often feels invited to use or take her for granted.
To cope with the pain I initially pretended to be a "good girl", outwardly displaying kindness, patience, smiles, and quick apologies without true repentance. ... Though I seemed happy I was emotionally shut down and disengaged at any deep levels.
[on the "religious girl"]
If people needed advice, I would give them a verse or a book to read, not considering how I should apply it first. If people needed help, I would serve them without question, even enabling or allowing people to use me. ... I didn't like recognition for my service, but if people didn't seem grateful, I was bothered by it.
The Tough Girl is the classic take-charge, task-oriented, no-nonsense, ramrod, whose heart may be as good as gold, but is usually just as hard.
… the Tough Girl is above her own feelings, suspicious of others' motives , and arrogant and angry in her evaluations of others. She views human need as childish and unnecessary.
... A Tough Girl views her longings as sentimental, sloppy, and weak; they are a defect that must be eradicated. ... At her core, however, her hunger for involvement is severely undermined by her refusal to be dependent on anyone. She views her longings as a sign of weakness whenever she cannot resolve her heartaches on her own.
A mask I didn't wear, but that is common, is "tough girl". She seems in control, confident, unaffected by the world's pressures, and not at all needy. She often leads with making people fear her, and as a result isn't liked by many.
She pretends to embrace being alone, but inwardly wishes for relationship and closeness. Her hard exterior keeps people at arm's length and avoids her getting hurt. She is critical and doest trust people, and works hard to be the protector of others.
The Party Girl is the classic easygoing, good-time lady sometimes intense and other times mellow. She is predictably inconsistent, hard to read, and impossible to pin down in close relationships. One factor behind her capricious style is her ability to use competently both self-centered and other-centered contempt.
... It's as if the Party Girl won't allow herself to be too troubled, because she knows it will lead to a point that requires honesty, commitment, and strength. It is far easier to laugh or cry over her pain and then walk away from it, than it is to actually enter the unknown.
Another mask I had worn in high school was the "party girl." I liked to have "fun" and numb the pain with alcohol. Some use drugs, food or being funny all the time as party masks. They may be sarcastic or use jokes to change the subject if the mood gets too serious. Their names are associated with fun, so they are always invited to events and seem to love a crowd. Sadly, it's the perfect place to hide and not be known as an individual.
For those who didn't follow the link presented earlier from The WayBack Machine.