Monday, September 30, 2013

Real Marriage Chapter 7, part 2: comparing Grace Driscoll's writing to Dan Allender's writing from The Wounded Heart


Real Marriage, the book by Mark and Grace Driscoll, has been a topic for blogging before here at Wenatchee The Hatchet, here, specifically.  In the interest of promoting education and discussion of the two books mentioned in the earlier post here are back to back comparisons of short excerpts from Dan Allender's book and Mark and Grace Driscoll's book.  It is worth repeating that at no point in Grace Driscoll's chapter "Grace and Disgrace" is Allender's name mentioned, nor is his work mentioned in any endnotes, footnotes, or bibliography. 
 
That Grace Driscoll publicly listed Dan Allender as one of her favorite authors in her deacon profile in the earlier days of Mars Hill is easily documented.
 

 
 
Chapter 9, "Style of Relating"
THE WOUNDED HEART: HOPE FOR ADULT VICTIMS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSED
Dan Allender, original copyright 1990 by NAVPRESS
ISBN 08910-92897
 
ISBN-13:978-1-60006-307-7
ISBN-10:1-60006-307-1
 
 
Grace Driscoll
Chapter 7, "Grace and Disgrace"
Real Marriage: the truth about sex, friendship and life together
Mark and Grace Driscoll
copyright 2012 by On Mission, LLC
ISBN 978-1-4041-8352-0
 
The following excerpts are presented for the sake of education and encouraging public discussion about the two books. 
 
 
"Style of relating" compared to "the masks of the abused person"

Allender
A relational style is the "typical" way of protecting oneself in contact with other people. Self-protection is, in essence, the commitment to never be hurt again, to never be powerless, betrayed or ambivalent in the way we once were.
page 171 of Allender
 
 
There are as many styles of relating as there are people. Nevertheless, there are some general patterns that can become common styles of relating for those who have been sexually abused: The Good Girl, the Tough Girl, and the Party Girl.
page 174
 
Driscoll
A person who has been abused can become adept at hiding the pain behind a mask. It helps us cope with others and makes us feel safe, but in truth it's really just something that prevents us from actually dealing with the abuse. ... Do you act out a role or hide behind a mask? ...
page 129 of Driscolls
 
 
The Good Girl (with “religious girl” subdivision in the Driscoll book)               
 
 

Allender
The Good Girl is pleasant, but rarely alive. The woman who described herself as a "house with the lights on, but never at home" was a Good Girl.  She responded with pleasant warmth and social ease, but she never viewed herself as alive within herself. 
 
... The Good Girl would rather allow her health to deteriorate than ask for help. 
page 174
 
... The person involved with a Good Girl often feels invited to use or take her for granted.
page 175
 
 
 
Driscoll
To cope with the pain I initially pretended to be a "good girl", outwardly displaying kindness, patience, smiles, and quick apologies without true repentance.  ... Though I seemed happy I was emotionally shut down and disengaged at any deep levels.
 
[on the "religious girl"]
 
If people needed advice, I would give them a verse or a book to read, not considering how I should apply it first. If people needed help, I would serve them without question, even enabling or allowing people to use me. ... I didn't like recognition for my service, but if people didn't seem grateful, I was bothered by it.
page 130


The Tough Girl
 
Allender
The Tough Girl is the classic take-charge, task-oriented, no-nonsense, ramrod, whose heart may be as good as gold, but is usually just as hard. 
… the Tough Girl is above her own feelings, suspicious of others' motives , and arrogant and angry in her evaluations of others.  She views human need as childish and unnecessary. 
... A Tough Girl views her longings as sentimental, sloppy, and weak; they are a defect that must be eradicated. ... At her core, however, her hunger for involvement is severely undermined by her refusal to be dependent on anyone. She views her longings as a sign of weakness whenever she cannot resolve her heartaches on her own.
page 178
 
Driscoll
A mask I didn't wear, but that is common, is "tough girl". She seems in control, confident, unaffected by the world's pressures, and not at all needy.  She often leads with making people fear her, and as a result isn't liked by many.
page 130
She pretends to embrace being alone, but inwardly wishes for relationship and closeness. Her hard exterior keeps people at arm's length and avoids her getting hurt. She is critical and doest trust people, and works hard to be the protector of others.
page 131


The Party Girl
 
Allender
The Party Girl is the classic easygoing, good-time lady sometimes intense and other times mellow. She is predictably inconsistent, hard to read, and impossible to pin down in close relationships. One factor behind her capricious style is her ability to use competently both self-centered and other-centered contempt.
page 181
 
 
... It's as if the Party Girl won't allow herself to be too troubled, because she knows it will lead to a point that requires honesty, commitment, and strength.  It is far easier to laugh or cry over her pain and then walk away from it, than it is to actually enter the unknown.
page 182


Driscoll
Another mask I had worn in high school was the "party girl." I liked to have "fun" and numb the pain with alcohol. Some use drugs, food or being funny all the time as party masks. They may be sarcastic or use jokes to change the subject if the mood gets too serious. Their names are associated with fun, so they are always invited to events and seem to love a crowd. Sadly, it's the perfect place to hide and not be known as an individual.
 
page 130
 
  


For those who didn't follow the link presented earlier from The WayBack Machine. 
 
 
 


 

5 comments:

Mara Reid said...

I guess the bright side is that Grace has internalized the good bits from Allender's book and made it available to others who might not otherwise have access due to it's sudden disappearance at Mars Hill.

It's too bad she couldn't or wouldn't, be true to where the info came from.

One wonders if she wanted to give credit but was prevented or if she just didn't see the importance. Or perhaps something else was going on that I simply couldn't imagine since I've never been a victim of the Mark Driscoll Bubble Life. I couldn't imagine what it's like living that close and being subject to a man like that.

Whatever the reasons, it's still wrong to use someone's stuff like it's your own and I'm glad you are pointing it out.

Mary DeMuth said...

Authors are supposed to give credit where credit is due. Even when I rework an idea, I footnote it, giving credit to the originator of the idea.

CoffeeMatt said...

A lot of Allender's stuff is really good.

Pop evangelical books are absolutely notorious for having no footnotes and no attribution. I don't know how this precedent got started, but it's total crap.

I remember reading Wild at Heart a few years ago when it was popular. Then a couple years later I read Robert Bly's "Iron John". In hindsight now, there is no possible way Eldridge didn't rip off huge chunks of Iron John and Christianize them, which I think would actually be just fine if he were to acknowledge it. But nope. Not a word. It's terribly obvious if you read them back to back though.

Driscoll and company is just following in a long and well-established ethos in the Christian pop publishing business. Who knows, maybe she even tried to footnote it but the editors axed it. If the target audience isn't academia, then it has to seemingly stand up in a vacuum. It's part of the style.

Headless Unicorn Guy said...

Isn't this the sort of thing that brings up Suspicion of Plagarism?

But then, Christian Inspirational types plagiarize from each other like the Three Stooges -- Larry plagiarizes Moe, Moe plagiarizes Curly, Curly plagiarizes Larry, Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk. I think there are even websites you can swipe sermons from, just like term papers.

Or in the words of the prophet Tom Lehrer...

Anonymous said...

Is this really the definition of"plagiarism"?

It doesn't seem so in a literal sense.